[if you can't read what the picture says]
Ok. Earlier blog than usual...
I just have a lot on my mind.
Does anyone else know that feeling? Like, there are so many thoughts running through your head and can't sort any of them or even know where to start?
I have stepped in a puddle, more like stepped then jumped continuously. Ok, maybe more like mud...while wearing all white? I forgot what i'm trying to say now.
Confused to sad, sad to angry, angry to ok, ok to satisfaction, satisfaction to fine, and fine to closure.
I think what i've decided to do is go with it. There is no use in swimming upstream, it only makes things difficult.
Lately i've just been battling with myself. My beliefs, my views, who I want to be, who i'm living for, what's really worth worrying about, or focusing on what really needs to keep my focus. See? I'm not playing, it's crazy.
Daniel suggested I do a list...so here it goes. This is honesty.
My school:
-What grades I need to get off academic probation.
-The people I meet, are they really good for me?
-What is popular.
-What if I start falling back in school.
My beliefs:
-I feel like i'm never good enough to have what I have.
-I hear God's voice ALL THE TIME and yet I just don't respond...cause I know it's only conviction. I hate hearing i'm wrong.
-I hold on to my past so tightly, bring it up so often, and make such a key focus in my life...I don't see how anything has changed at all. I don't see why I can't just let go, it's past right?
Myself:
-I start to hate my emotions, the way i'm made to feel and how deeply I feel.
-No matter where I go, I feel like i'll always be stuck at a high school status. Always the geek, always the joke...just no one says it to my face.
-I always think of what I could fix about myself rather than be happy.
-I HATE how i'm the only one holding myself back and I don't even want to change that...like the only way to make sense of "it is that this current emotion i'm feeling is the only emotion that I can define so i'm gonna go with it".
-Waiting for some kind of closure, but it never comes. Ever. No matter what I do, say, sing, think, block out, shove to the last thought. Cause at the end of the day it will be the last thing I think about. What about this? What about that?
Who I want to be:
-Successful, and exactly the kind of person that someone would want to be.
-Someone that's cherished not forgotten.
-Someone who deals with the worst situations.
-Someone who is genuinely happy not just covering it up with a smile.
-Someone soft spoken but loud in what is said.
Who i'm living for:
-Living for the only person who truly matters, not everyone else.
-Living to what you know you want to be, not letting anything hold you back.
See...my point.
This is my problem...problems.
Anyone have some kind of advice? It's really what I need.
Peace
<3
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| This is beautiful. |
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