Wayyy too early to be up

So hey. 
I have to tell you what happened last night.
I may seem like every other girl, I probably am I. But I got to thinking. How is it that just another human like myself, could have such an impact on my life? 
I went over and visited Daniel yesterday after I was hanging out with my goof ball friend Goodwill, and I had fun. Later before I left we were sitting watching the game and I really don't know why, and I can't explain how, but those rush of emotions came back all at once. Maybe it's cause he kissed me? But then again, I had this rush before yesterday. 
It's like i'm holding onto something SO TIGHTLY, I don't think I want to let it go. It feels like there is a hole in my chest, like a cannon ball went straight through it, taking my heart in the process...it hurts so much i'd rather die than continue to feel the pain. 
It's not like i'm a death addict, i'm not saying that. I'm saying that it just hurts that much and nothing or no one has been able to help me like he does.
It's like a drought. When he's not there, it hurts. When I see or talk to him, everything is better. 
BTW, everyone keeps asking if I want him to stop calling and I keep saying no cause secretly, he's like the rain.
Yesterday, I cried again and this time he saw...I only cried cause he was there with me but he wasn't mine. I don't know what I look like to him...Pathetic? Sentimental? Caring? Desperate? 
Or what he's thinking..."God, just move on already"? "I'm not coming back, so why are you crying"? "I never would have been with you if I would have known you would have been like this when we broke up"? "I saw this becoming a friendship before we started dating, but I still wanted to anyways"? 
These...are the thoughts...that are always on my mind. I look at him and I think this. He's always asking and I don't know what to say except "Nothing". But sadly, he's seeing straight through that "Nothing" and seeing a big "Everything". No one really understands though, do they? 
I wonder if they ever will. Maybe, I don't know.
But all I know is that, Daniel, is like that rain that I need. 
And even still I have no clue what's going through his head but he knows all that is going through mine, just from one look.
UGH. 
I always ask, "What are you thinking" and he says "Nothing" but his walls are built up so high I can't see what that "Nothing" means even though it means "Everything".
Have you ever seen someone you love cry? Tell themselves they have no hope? Feel like there is NO hope? Just a cloud above their head and when you are looking them in the eyes, you just see a storm brewing but you have no clue how to stop it? It's like someone taking your breath away, like someone is stabbing your lungs. It hurts, and you don't know how to fix it. It's exactly how I felt last night, and I left with more questions than answers. I've never hurt like I did last night, and all I wanted to do was stay longer and help. You look into those eyes, and all I see is hurt but way past some girl. Some girl just didn't know how to say the right things at the right time and do the right stuff. Some girl was not the problem, but some girl is hurting for him not because of him. 
Some girl, just wants to be there. Some girl, looked into his eyes and saw all that, but didn't see herself.
......
If I could only just be there to hold him.
I just love him so much, I don't know what to do or how long this will go on. All I know is that it's still the same sting every time I think about it. 


<3