I am very happy to say that, I am back.
HELLO SELF! <3
But funny thing is that it didn't happen until: I saw a new movie and pulled out my camera and started taking some dang pichaaas!
I tell you something else....MUSIC. Singing, I swear, should be noted as a therapy! You get in the car and turn the music up so loud you can barely hear your own thoughts, and you SING. Sing til you can't anymore! :D
Don't think or else it won't work. Just sing.
I think it really just comes down to doing what you LOVE <3
I've realized, i've won. In so many ways just like my dad kept saying but I didn't listen or even think to believe him.
Since when did my life have restrictions? I didn't think I was putting them up but in all reality I was. I thought about this in a completely different perspective. Why focus on the things that hurt you? It only makes YOU feel worthless, it only makes YOU feel like you lost, and it only makes YOU suffer. Am I right?
I mean....I think i'm right.
I also realized that in the process of going through a tough time, you learn so much more about yourself.
Like for instance...
I learned that:
1. Friends will always be there if they are true friends.
2. You, no matter how old you get, should always listen to your parents.
3. Everything and I mean EVERYTHING happens for a reason because it was planned out and tailored to fit what God has in store for your life.
4. Being yourself is SOOO important. You need to learn who you are before you can learn to love someone else, and you need God's love before you learn to love yourself.
That's all for now, but just so you all knew what was going on. I've just been busy thinking, singing, dreaming, doing what I love [taking pictures], and learning to love myself and my talents once again :]
Later for sure,
<3
Tuesday, December 28, 2010
Friday, December 24, 2010
Wayyy too early to be up
So hey.
I have to tell you what happened last night.
I may seem like every other girl, I probably am I. But I got to thinking. How is it that just another human like myself, could have such an impact on my life?
I went over and visited Daniel yesterday after I was hanging out with my goof ball friend Goodwill, and I had fun. Later before I left we were sitting watching the game and I really don't know why, and I can't explain how, but those rush of emotions came back all at once. Maybe it's cause he kissed me? But then again, I had this rush before yesterday.
It's like i'm holding onto something SO TIGHTLY, I don't think I want to let it go. It feels like there is a hole in my chest, like a cannon ball went straight through it, taking my heart in the process...it hurts so much i'd rather die than continue to feel the pain.
It's not like i'm a death addict, i'm not saying that. I'm saying that it just hurts that much and nothing or no one has been able to help me like he does.
It's like a drought. When he's not there, it hurts. When I see or talk to him, everything is better.
BTW, everyone keeps asking if I want him to stop calling and I keep saying no cause secretly, he's like the rain.
Yesterday, I cried again and this time he saw...I only cried cause he was there with me but he wasn't mine. I don't know what I look like to him...Pathetic? Sentimental? Caring? Desperate?
Or what he's thinking..."God, just move on already"? "I'm not coming back, so why are you crying"? "I never would have been with you if I would have known you would have been like this when we broke up"? "I saw this becoming a friendship before we started dating, but I still wanted to anyways"?
These...are the thoughts...that are always on my mind. I look at him and I think this. He's always asking and I don't know what to say except "Nothing". But sadly, he's seeing straight through that "Nothing" and seeing a big "Everything". No one really understands though, do they?
I wonder if they ever will. Maybe, I don't know.
But all I know is that, Daniel, is like that rain that I need.
And even still I have no clue what's going through his head but he knows all that is going through mine, just from one look.
UGH.
I always ask, "What are you thinking" and he says "Nothing" but his walls are built up so high I can't see what that "Nothing" means even though it means "Everything".
Have you ever seen someone you love cry? Tell themselves they have no hope? Feel like there is NO hope? Just a cloud above their head and when you are looking them in the eyes, you just see a storm brewing but you have no clue how to stop it? It's like someone taking your breath away, like someone is stabbing your lungs. It hurts, and you don't know how to fix it. It's exactly how I felt last night, and I left with more questions than answers. I've never hurt like I did last night, and all I wanted to do was stay longer and help. You look into those eyes, and all I see is hurt but way past some girl. Some girl just didn't know how to say the right things at the right time and do the right stuff. Some girl was not the problem, but some girl is hurting for him not because of him.
Some girl, just wants to be there. Some girl, looked into his eyes and saw all that, but didn't see herself.
......
If I could only just be there to hold him.
I just love him so much, I don't know what to do or how long this will go on. All I know is that it's still the same sting every time I think about it.
<3
I have to tell you what happened last night.
I may seem like every other girl, I probably am I. But I got to thinking. How is it that just another human like myself, could have such an impact on my life?
I went over and visited Daniel yesterday after I was hanging out with my goof ball friend Goodwill, and I had fun. Later before I left we were sitting watching the game and I really don't know why, and I can't explain how, but those rush of emotions came back all at once. Maybe it's cause he kissed me? But then again, I had this rush before yesterday.
It's like i'm holding onto something SO TIGHTLY, I don't think I want to let it go. It feels like there is a hole in my chest, like a cannon ball went straight through it, taking my heart in the process...it hurts so much i'd rather die than continue to feel the pain.
It's not like i'm a death addict, i'm not saying that. I'm saying that it just hurts that much and nothing or no one has been able to help me like he does.
It's like a drought. When he's not there, it hurts. When I see or talk to him, everything is better.
BTW, everyone keeps asking if I want him to stop calling and I keep saying no cause secretly, he's like the rain.
Yesterday, I cried again and this time he saw...I only cried cause he was there with me but he wasn't mine. I don't know what I look like to him...Pathetic? Sentimental? Caring? Desperate?
Or what he's thinking..."God, just move on already"? "I'm not coming back, so why are you crying"? "I never would have been with you if I would have known you would have been like this when we broke up"? "I saw this becoming a friendship before we started dating, but I still wanted to anyways"?
These...are the thoughts...that are always on my mind. I look at him and I think this. He's always asking and I don't know what to say except "Nothing". But sadly, he's seeing straight through that "Nothing" and seeing a big "Everything". No one really understands though, do they?
I wonder if they ever will. Maybe, I don't know.
But all I know is that, Daniel, is like that rain that I need.
And even still I have no clue what's going through his head but he knows all that is going through mine, just from one look.
UGH.
I always ask, "What are you thinking" and he says "Nothing" but his walls are built up so high I can't see what that "Nothing" means even though it means "Everything".
Have you ever seen someone you love cry? Tell themselves they have no hope? Feel like there is NO hope? Just a cloud above their head and when you are looking them in the eyes, you just see a storm brewing but you have no clue how to stop it? It's like someone taking your breath away, like someone is stabbing your lungs. It hurts, and you don't know how to fix it. It's exactly how I felt last night, and I left with more questions than answers. I've never hurt like I did last night, and all I wanted to do was stay longer and help. You look into those eyes, and all I see is hurt but way past some girl. Some girl just didn't know how to say the right things at the right time and do the right stuff. Some girl was not the problem, but some girl is hurting for him not because of him.
Some girl, just wants to be there. Some girl, looked into his eyes and saw all that, but didn't see herself.
......
If I could only just be there to hold him.
I just love him so much, I don't know what to do or how long this will go on. All I know is that it's still the same sting every time I think about it.
<3
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
Sleep.
Again! ONCE AGAIN!
I had another bad dream.
Not the nice ones that you like waking up from, NO!
The ones that make you want to SCREAM.
I'm trying to hard not loose every ounces of sanity
If there is any left at all.
I'd some reach out and answer my call.
I'm begging, please, with all that is in me!
I'll never think again if you'll only redeem me!
Not once
Not twice
But three times a fool.
To think that love could be my tool.
Not once
Not twice
But three times weak.
Cause you see what I am when i'm only asleep!
I see you, I hear you, I think your name.
You are driving me COMPLETELY insane!
I'm trying to pray, i'm trying to hope,
But every time I do I always choke.
I hate this grip that you have on my life!
I never signed this contract,
I just read every line!
Not one
Or two
But three hundred times I lie.
"I'm sleeping fine"
And now
I go weak
As once again, I cry.
<3
I had another bad dream.
Not the nice ones that you like waking up from, NO!
The ones that make you want to SCREAM.
I'm trying to hard not loose every ounces of sanity
If there is any left at all.
I'd some reach out and answer my call.
I'm begging, please, with all that is in me!
I'll never think again if you'll only redeem me!
Not once
Not twice
But three times a fool.
To think that love could be my tool.
Not once
Not twice
But three times weak.
Cause you see what I am when i'm only asleep!
I see you, I hear you, I think your name.
You are driving me COMPLETELY insane!
I'm trying to pray, i'm trying to hope,
But every time I do I always choke.
I hate this grip that you have on my life!
I never signed this contract,
I just read every line!
Not one
Or two
But three hundred times I lie.
"I'm sleeping fine"
And now
I go weak
As once again, I cry.
<3
Tuesday, December 21, 2010
One Word.
If I could have one word
that described my life,
I wouldn't wish it be trouble, pain
or
Strife.
I hope it's not surrender, abandon
or
Goodbye.
I pray it's not partial, uneventful, wasted
or even
Confined.
But I hope it's passion, loved, seized,
or
Cherished.
Because without any other these words, we wouldn't know blemish.
We wouldn't know trouble, pain, or strife.
We wouldn't know surrender, abandonment, or goodbye.
We'd be partial, uneventful, wasteful, and confined.
If we have no passion
We'd have no heart
We'd have no reason
To live a divine life.
<3
A decent night's sleep would be amazing. JUST SAYING.
Oh my word, so this is just dandy!
For the past week i've been waking up between 5:15-6:30...the ONE DAY I get a decent night's sleep, I have a nightmare that my ex died.
Like it was New Years [we were still together in the dream], I was sit on his lap talking to some people and I turn around and his eyes are dark like he just got punched, his face was pale, he had absolutely no color in his eyes. I was asking if he was ok but he kept saying he was. I kissed him when the New Years' ball dropped and when I did he died...
I woke up crying! Oh my gosh!!
Like, how fair is all this? A decent night sleep, just one, with maybe a good dream? Maybe if every single stupid thing didn't remind me of him I wouldn't be having dreams like this. GR.
I'm done, that's all.
<3
For the past week i've been waking up between 5:15-6:30...the ONE DAY I get a decent night's sleep, I have a nightmare that my ex died.
Like it was New Years [we were still together in the dream], I was sit on his lap talking to some people and I turn around and his eyes are dark like he just got punched, his face was pale, he had absolutely no color in his eyes. I was asking if he was ok but he kept saying he was. I kissed him when the New Years' ball dropped and when I did he died...
I woke up crying! Oh my gosh!!
Like, how fair is all this? A decent night sleep, just one, with maybe a good dream? Maybe if every single stupid thing didn't remind me of him I wouldn't be having dreams like this. GR.
I'm done, that's all.
<3
Monday, December 20, 2010
Starting.
Well, Hi.
I'm Analisse.
I guess I should explain why I decided to do this, that might be helpful?
Well...
About a week ago me and my boyfriend broke up...and yeah, it still hurts. We had been dating for a month plus some days and I KNOW, tell me i'm crazy for still being upset. I don't really know what went wrong and so I put up a note on Facebook saying how I really felt. This is what it said.
I'm Analisse.
I guess I should explain why I decided to do this, that might be helpful?
Well...
About a week ago me and my boyfriend broke up...and yeah, it still hurts. We had been dating for a month plus some days and I KNOW, tell me i'm crazy for still being upset. I don't really know what went wrong and so I put up a note on Facebook saying how I really felt. This is what it said.
I wish...
I wish it would go away.
I wish I could do something.
I wish my mind would stop playing tricks, thinking, and dreaming.
I wish I could be as cold as my pool right now.
I wish I could know what went wrong...
I wish I didn't trust so much.
I wish I didn't FEEL.
I'm tired of crying, but I can't make it stop!
I wish people would stop asking and just be there.
I wish.
I wish I could explain how i'm feeling, but if I did you wouldn't understand.
Why did I think?
Why did I jump, take the chance?
I actually BELIEVED YOU GOD, way to say thanks.
Why am I STILL thinking, STILL hoping, STILL waiting.
God, really?
WISHFUL THINKING.
Thank you for putting me in a situation where I clearly got hurt!
My heart's beating, but I don't feel it when I want to.
It's like i'm looking up, but all I see is down...limbo?
I'm stuck in this nightmare.
...but i'm fine.
"Got to be hurt sometimes so we can have happiness" -Sara
Well, I decided that since it felt good to get all that in the open...why not make it a daily thing? So starting on New Years Day, I will make a vow to blog everyday for a year. Any little thoughts that I feel I should write down.
Thoughts going into this:
Will I have interested readers?
Will it ACTUALLY make me feel better in the long run?
Maybe i'll be able to answer some of my own questions.
That's all for now, i'm talking to this guy named Cam? Apparently he's "perfect for me" according to a friend of mine.
Cya!
<3
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